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 We're not metal anymore,
We're the punky rockin' whores!
Born to make the girls go crazy...
***
"Cooked On Phonics", в принципе, можно считать первой концептуальной работой Таунсенда и вторым его сольником, выпущенным сразу после сумасшедшего и безумного "Heavy as a Really Heavy Thing". Эти две записи, однако, не имеют между собой абсолютно ничего общего - если на дебютнике Strapping Young Lad слушателю был представлен тяжеленный и до крайности свирепый Fear Factory-подобный индастриал-дэт, то обозреваемый альбом - это стёбная история о карьере дэт-метал коллектива "Cryptic Coroner", по ходу своего шествия к вершине славы (да кого там, через две минуты с начала первого выступления) заигравшего панк-рок, и, благодаря этому, в конце-концов отхватившего "Грэнни"*. Основным подтекстом данной работы стало разочарование Таунсенда в музыкальной индустрии того времени, под гнётом которой (или же в угоду желанию наживиться на модных жанрах) многие талантливые коллективы изменяли своим привычкам и уходили от тяжёлого звучания в более коммерчески-ориентированные стили. Получилось поприкалываться у Девина местами убедительно, местами не очень, поскольку на диске присутствуют как несомненные удачи, так и несомненные неудачи. Да, тексты хороши: при прочтении лирики так и тянет улыбнуться, но музыкальная составляющая иногда сильно проседает, и через несколько прослушиваний на повторе могут крутиться разве что заводные "Recipe for Bait", "Metal Dilemma", являющаяся главным хитом альбома, да лирическая баллада "Picture of Myself" - вот те вещи, которые действительно достойны быть в сет-листе любого концерта канадца. Гений Таунсенда, явивший себя уже спустя год на втором альбоме S.Y.L., здесь тихо и спокойно дремлет: риффы стандартны, структура обыденна (если не сказать "аморфна"), вокал, кроме узнаваемого тембра, абсолютно ничем не удивляет, да и болтовни, несущей исключительно сюжетную нагрузку, здесь слишком много; если её обрезать, музыки останется примерно на одну пятую меньше. Но уж упомянутые песни заскучать не дадут: там тебе и драйв, и кач, и забавный, порой действительно смешной, смысл... однако суть, несмотря на их наличие, остаётся той же: сила "Cooked On Phonics" сосредоточена именно в текстах, а заявленные 58 минут звучания слишком быстро надоедают, что в первый раз, что во второй, что в третий.
Впрочем, делалась ли на эту запись слишком большая ставка? Про неё так и написано в буклете: "cool album". "Прикольный альбом". Так что, именно по приколу его и можно послушать. На большее он, по ряду причин, изложенных выше, не тянет - шутовство, приправленное балаганом.
* "Грэнни" - авторская пародия на "Грэмми". |
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( 11 )
- And you put a number on us all!
Oh, don't it make you mad?
Oh, don't it make you sad?
It's everything I hate
So I'm here lying on the floor
'Cause I can't fake it through the door
I've learned the recipe for bait!
It's everything you're meant to be
Stuff Mom and Dad will never see
My excuses to be lazy!
'Cause we're not babies anymore!
Gonna start a fucking war!
Anything to make you crazy!!
(Generation) X is a consumer fallacy!
(And I hear you say) Why push yourself if there's no hope at all?
Well just count the things you'll never be
And pass them over as you fall!!!
I've gotta get now to a phone
I can't stand another minute alone
'Cause I've got to know who's making it right now!
Fake punk
This here's a song about the things you don't find in nature
This here's a tale about conditions of the head
At one time I wanted to expand my education but
Now I'll make more money if I dye my hair instead.
'Cause I've gotta be more punk, and forget about writing love songs
And even though I'm a middle class white Canadian
God knows I've been done wrong
'Cause I'm a fake punk! I'm a fake punk!
I'll even use a dirty word, I'll even write a mean song,
I'll even take a mean picture
'Cause I've got the hair for it!
I've always tried to dig myself out of the sewer
I've always strived to be a little bit more well-read
But oh no! Here comes that rock press interviewer so,
I'll just look real tough and say fuck a lot instead
I'd be alright if I could just hang out with my girlfriend
I'd be just fine if they would close down all the bars
And maybe one day I'll join a protest against smoking
But when it comes to sincere angst you can just
Leave me the fuck alone!
Ez$$
It took two minutes
To piece these three lame riffs together
It it's the same crap that's selling loads
So it may just make my life a little better.
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(Get out of my way!)
I ain't a metal guy no more!
Sitting in my room all day, thinkin' about you.
I've got so many bills to pay, so hey,
I've got some punk rockin' to do!
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(Is A.O.K.)
- We tried metal but it didn't work so
Let us in on the punk rock dough!
Give me some of that easy money!
Give me some of that cash!
Two chords later and a house is paid for
Let me in on that punk rock cash!
I used to be, a kid at university
But that won't pay for the punk life that was meant for me
There's money to be had
So you know that I'll be wearing plaid
This ain't going to be
A punk rock monopoly!
- Punk! Punk! Punk!
(We've always been there)
- Gonna shave off all my feathered hair!-
Iron Maiden? Who the hell are they?
I've always listened to D.O.A.!
Metal dilemma
I grew up on heavy metal!
You can't listen to heavy metal!
All my friends liked heavy metal!
All your friends were morons!
Please don't make me cut my hair!
All the cool kidz cut their hair!
But now there's shitty music everywhere!
You're not supposed to care because it's
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
It's hard to tell what music's cool
Whatever sells the biggest rules!
I still find Krokus kinda cool!
Damn your metal roots, boy!
But none of these bands even know how to play!
We'll take it over Yngwie any day!
Okay, good point, but what's it called?!?
It's the latest thing, we'll call it
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
Punk rock! Punk rock!
I know that I should like it but my roots get in the way!!!
Let me play it, I won't tell!
You can't listen to heavy metal!
C'mon give me one more metal yell!
Whoahh-oh!!
I don't wanna be a punk rocker!
A heavy metal punk rocker!
I'm gonna try much harder now to get my metal heard heavy metal now!
Oats peas beans & barley
I turn around from whining sounds
Don't give us shit for making it
If your band's not signed, don't put us down!
Try playing hard, you stupid clown!
It's Poison with some different hair
It's crap that comes from everywhere
It's stupid, loser K-mart rap!
With more concern for coloured hair than music.
Wanna be a rock star! Have a limo with a juice bar!
With an undisputed killer for a girlfriend
So I guess I'd better
Spit it! Barf it! Spew it! Sell it! Roast it! Toast it!
Oats, peas, beans and barley will grow!
Why we sell nobody knows!
You can say just how you feel
But look who's got the record deal!
Wallet chain
Every fuckin' body's got a wallet chain
Trading Iron maiden for a wallet chain
Trading heavy metal for a toque and Loreal
I've got a bad damn feeling music's going to hell
Gotta go to Compton for a wallet chain
Suburban fucking gangsters and their wallet chains
With music hard as disco but without the brain
I saw Elvis in a mohawk and it wasn't the same
Give it to me! Give it to me!
(Gonna look punk eventually.)
Liberty! Liberty!
Ain't nobody gonna mess with me!
I used to practice guitar 8 hours a day
But knowing music theory just doesn't pay
So now I've gotta get a skateboard or I won't get laid
I'm so hard core but my curfew's 8!
Money for free! Money for free!
(I get it from my mommy so money's free)
Bangin' my knee! Bangin' my knee!
Sixty hefty links of chain are bangin' my knee
Gonna go get myself a wallet chain!
Trading Iron Maiden for a wallet chain!
You'll never look punk until you get a chain!
You're not a real "gangsta" without that chain!
Wallet chain! Wallet chain!
I got a wallet chain because money is everything!
Take it from me! Take it from me!
(No one's gonna take my damn wallet from me!)
Wait and see! Wait and see!
Everyone will have a chain eventually!
Heinous anus
10 am, and I hit the alarm
It's been 5 short hours since I tied one on
And on the way to the kitchen for my morning cup
I gotta run to the can before my bowels erupt
Grab my knees and howl like a dawg
I've got a 12 inch long jalapeño log
You can keep that Thai, yeah I think I'll pass
I ain't got a week to nurse my ass!!!
I just want a normal stool!
Hey, hey, hey, heinous anus!
I've been on the throne all day
I can't face the world in any other way
Help me out,
I wanna be someone who
Doesn't start the morning with a molten poo!!!
I don't want this screaming hoop!!!
Hey, hey, hey, heinous anus!
Heavy metal mama
I just met the woman of my dreams!
She says she's punk, but she's metal enough for me!!!
Well! She's gonna be my Molly Maid!
Clean me up and you'll have it made!
There's metal in your nose, so you're metal enough for me!
I just met a woman with some style
She says "piercing's punk" but it's metal all the while
Well! She's gonna be my Betty Boop!
A metal chick has always got the scoop
C'mon now Baldy, make a punker out of me!
Well! It's not anything at all! Give it up before you fall!
I need a girl like you!
I need metal through and through!
I need a woman like you!
I need a heavy metal mama!
Crusty's at the Ivanhoe
*guy yells something weird*
With his pain eased, by the sweet kiss of cheap alcohol, Dr.Skinny, Dances With
Chickens and Squid Viscious, head toward the grannys. Lets hope for the best
dear friends. Lets hope, for the best...
-Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, the academy of
recording arts welcomes you to the 23rd annual, GRANNY AWARDS! MCB is PROUD to
present the most gala musical extraviganza of the year. Anybody who is anybody
is here tonight, dressed to the nines in order to get even the glimpse of some
of the many stars grazeing our stage this evening. HI THERE! I'm Jimmy Rickles.
With Live performances by...
Ann Murray !
Deicide!
And the one, the only, Punky Brüster!
But before all that, please give a big round of friendly applause for your host
this evening, entertainment this hours, PJ Little-Pricky.
-Thank you! Thank you, thank you-Yes, quite an exciting evening-thank you,
thank you. I'm... extremely excited to be your host this evening for the 23rd,
anuel, granny awards. Right? Yes thank you. Yes...
And this year's most exciting year because we got a new award, and thats how
we're going to start things off tonight... It is a life long achievement award
for the best punk-rock band. Now this is judged on anarchtic content, chord
dissonance, hair coloring, body piercing, and of course some other technical
things we need not concern ourselves with. Without further adu, lets give this
award out, and start this party off.
The envelope please? thank you... shes lovely isn't she?... nice boobies....
And this years award of course... it will come as no surprise to all of you...
PUNKY BRÜSTER! Come on up guys! Come and get your award.....
-Oh! OH! OH! Thank you! Thank you this is so unexpected! I don'-I don't know
what to say! Uh... well... we'd like to thank-uh-our families! Our families!
Our manager-GOD BLESS YOU, GOD BLESS YOU! Uh- The Norwegion Death metal scene-
Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm s... sorry not that! Just a joke, just a joke
-Jokey, Jokey wokey- uuuh, I don't know.
GOD BLESS EVERYBODY! Oh, and before we go, before we go! We'd like to thank all
the Pioneer punk bands of 1994- You know who you are guys! Thank you, thank you
VERY MUCH- THANK YOU ALL!
-Yes, yes folks, Punky Brüster-but guys wait, before you leave the stage
please, won't you play us a song, the audience is going wiiild here. Yes yes, I
think they're in agreement with me you must play us a song...
No please, please guys We got it set up for you right here. Please come
everyone! PUNKY BEUSTER!!! Yes, LIVE, here for you...
-awww, you guys! I'd just like to say your all soooo great, for helping us
become number one. I guess we can just do one song. I mean one little song!
Only one though! Okay, all set! Guitar? Thank you (got my bass) okay! This is
our new single, and it goes out to all of, yooouuuu.²
Picture of myself
Woke up this morning, didn't like what I seen
I looked about as normal as I've ever been
But I gathered today that I would be a star
So I get myself ready to enjoy the part
I'm only in love, with a picture of myself
I'm only in love with a little girl
Decided today to get the proper shoes
$80 Vans and an ADIDAS suit
Now the chicks will all dig me 'cause I look quite hip
Sulking and tripping on my bottom lip
I'm only in love, with a picture of myself
I'm only in love with the little girl
I'm only in love, with the picture of myself
I'm only in love with that little girl
Now I've got myself in with the latest style
And the people at the mall today have made a pile
So I'm back on my way to my parents' home
So I can tell someone I need a little time alone
I'm only in love, with the picture of myself
I'm only in love with a little girl
I'm only in love, with a picture of myself
I'm only in love, I'm only in love,
I'm only in love with myself
The girls next door
Welcome boys and to the rock and roll high school
Lesson #1 us where to put your tongue
Lesson #2 is what you do with your tool
And watch the fringe benefits come second to none!
Graduates from the old rock and roll high school
Pretend they're still rebellious with a video pose
The uneducated spew some lame political view
And the punks will look like hunks in their endorsement clothes!
So hey, let's rock, and put out a little corporate schlock!
To play, just get the call, then keep your eye on the friggin' ball
'Cause that's all... that's all!
Listen boys and girls to the rock and roll motto
It's fun to spend your money, just take it from me
And don't cry "foul" for us admitting this cash cow
The "revolution" is a capitalist industry!
So, hey, let's rock, and talk a little corporate talk!
I say, you'll never fall, when your face is pressed against the wall!
If what it takes to rock, is to suck a little corporate cock
Well, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
If what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
We're already there!
(Mid section) Come on out to the Brüster spend-a-long
Buy a T-shirt and it'll make you feel like you're part of an elite clique
While directly paying for our advertising!
Hey hey! We passed, now everyone can kiss our ass!!!
And we'll appeal to a need
Where one never used to be
'Cause what it takes to rock is to suck some corporate cock
So, hey everybody, we'll be the girls next door!
And what it takes to score, is to be a corporate whore
So, hey Borivoj, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Monte Conner, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Pepsi-Cola, we'll be the girls next door!
So, hey Cliff Cultreri, we'll be the girls next door!!!
Larry's O
Larry was a pessimist, I wanna be like Larry
He bore the burden of a soul that's always burning
And says "every one should be like me!"
Well it's easy to be an anarchist
When you've got record companies to pay for it
You're no rebel if you're playing by the rules
Larry's O, he need no fucking dough
Anarchy's the way, oh he's really not that sorry
Larry's old, and just like some little girls
Oh, I guess we all get in his way
Larry was a drunken mess, and sometimes I'd rather be like Larry
But he sees me staying sober and he'll lose it all together
And then Larry wants to be like me
Yeah, it's a real triumph that I seem distressed
I'm not pissed, I'm just unimpressed
And the reason I don't care is 'cause it's all been done before
Larry's road, it's really getting old, am I in your way?
Oh I'm really really sorry
Larry's old, but acts like a little girl
Oh I guess it all gets in the way
Larry knows, I'm just doing this for the dough
And you better hope this makes no money
'Cause we've got four album options
Larry's O, just like him and he knows,
But, oh, the joke is getting old